Our bodies are always talking to us, conveying messages that will ultimately assist us elsewhere in our lives such as career, finances, and relationships. And another piece of the puzzle was shown to me last night that I’d like to share with you.
I’ve spoken about this in previous posts, but when I was diagnosed my bladder issue, I was also diagnosed with something called vulvar vestibulitis or vestibuladynia. It’s an unexplainable nerve condition of the vagina, and how they diagnose it is lightly touching Q-tip to each of the 4 nerve points at the internal opening of the vagina and if you jump off the table in pain screaming bloody murder, you have it. I’m not sure of the statistics, but many women than we realize suffer from this condition and in silence at that!
This condition mostly took its toll on my romantic relationships because it made sex pretty much unbearable, and this led to thoughts and beliefs of, “who’s going to want me or love me with this?” I didn’t feel or believe I was normal and worthy of a relationship, so I subconsciously pushed prospects away. Lonely, right? I either suffered through, wanting to die inside from the pain, or I wasn’t intimate with anyone at all. I believed that if someone did love me and I had the relationship with someone, I would only be a burden to them. I also felt this way about other health conditions I had, with my bladder and my tummy.
So after doing all the mainstream treatments for this to no avail, which you can read more about in earlier posts, I came at it from an energetic perspective. I healed, cleared, and peeled back layers and layers of past life sexual abuse and trauma, vows of celibacy, and imbalances around my divine feminine. Still, this incredibly painful issue persisted and I believed I was doomed to live with this forever. I’ve had to continuously remind myself that as long as pain or imbalance persists, there’s more to uncover.
But last night after reading a friend’s inst-story that she shared about her own healing journey, her breakthrough led to my breakthrough. Not to be crude here, but let’s think about sex for a minute. The female ultimately “receives” the male through the vagina, leading to a very divine, sacred act – the first step towards the creation of life. And suddenly my breakthrough hit me like a ton of bricks and I began doing a quick life inventory of all the areas where I have NOT currently been allowing myself to ‘receive.’ Life is a constant flow of giving and receiving, each represented by our divine masculine and divine feminine. When we give too much, we become resentful and depleted. When we receive without giving, we withhold, creating another type of lack mentality that if we give what we have, we won’t get it back. An example of this in the body, and more specifically the tummy. If you struggle with persistent bloat and constipation, look to anywhere in your life you might be withholding, such as using love as a rewards system, or a fear of spending money. Or maybe just a blatant pattern of hoarding. Both giving and receiving when out of balance can turn into vicious cycles.
And I just want to hit on something else real quick. When we experience struggle and pain in our bodies, sometimes the first thing we want to do is leave our bodies energetically, creating a disconnect in that relationship instead of committing to coming back to a harmonious partnership, which is something I facilitate in my client sessions after learning how to do this for myself. If you really look at anywhere we experience discomfort in our bodies or external situations (like a disagreement), the first thing we want to do is run away, even shut ourselves down via self-sabotaging patterns in order to avoid pain altogether. This too turns into vicious patterns. Our body is the most important relationship we will ever have in our lives and sets the tone for every other external relationship in some way or another.
So this is what I’ve been sitting with and working through since last night, and lemme tell you, some new layers are coming up to be released, even some limiting beliefs and programming I’ve been holding onto unconsciously about the act of sex itself as well as my role as a divine creator…something we ALL are!
I’ve also begun a new daily practice of beginning my day by filling up my own cup or giving to myself before I show up for the world. For example, I’ll take my time making my morning cup of coffee and a yummy, nourishing breakfast either in silence, listening to mantras or an inspiring podcast, or I’ll get my energy practice and/or meditation in before writing a blog post, sending emails, and posting on Instagram. When we’re in service to ourselves, we’re in service to the world. We’re able to show up more empowered, happier, more peaceful and content which radiates outwards. We give to ourselves so we can receive from others, and vice versa.
So I want to leave you with this – The symptoms in our bodies of pain and discomfort will subside when a connection is made and the lesson is learned.