If you were to meet me anytime before the past two years, you probably would not recognize me. Appearance-wise, yes, but anything beneath the surface, not so much.
If you read my recap of Soulcation, you’ve already seen me touch upon some of my old stories as they relate to my social life. But I want to go deeper here. I want to delve into a subject that’s at the forefront of the awareness of the collective consciousness right now, especially after the past weeks’ news of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. I want to talk about mental health. And more than that, I want to share my story of suffering from and healing severe, crippling anxiety and depression, as well as what ultimately led me to where I am now. I want to share the knowledge I’ve gained, the healing I’ve experienced, practices I incorporate into my daily routine as well as my business practice, and to let you know that you are not alone. And most importantly, for whatever you’re going through now, or have gone through, you can heal it all.
I’ve always felt like an outsider since before I can remember. I always felt like I got the “short end of the stick.” When I was 5 years old, I had cataract surgery. And it was at the beginning of the school year, so here I was this little thing with a patch over her eye, glasses on top, starting class a few weeks later than everyone else. Only one person at the time immediately came over and embraced me, but it was definitely a bit isolating. I also want to add, which I recently found out, the surgery was in my left eye, also known as the “seat of the soul” and connected to the divine feminine…something I have been channeling the past few days (I’m 31 now) I need to heal and rebalance. Making the correlation after all these years is mind-blowing to say the least!
Anyway, this feeling of isolation would continue. There was always a part of me, way deep down that knew I came from somewhere else. Like, not of this world. I was the weird kid too. I didn’t have imaginary friends, but I talked to myself. And in public. My mom even has some of those instances on video and I cringe looking back at it. I later came to learn I was a medium and completely unaware that I was channeling, and thankful it wasn’t a symptom of something more serious. I was always interested in the unknown, and ya know, witchy things. I had interests not really heard of for other kids around my age. I had questions about the universe and wanted to learn the mysteries of life. As much as I loved toys, I wasn’t really the girl you asked to play barbies with! School was difficult for me already in a class of 25 people, but then in 7th grade, I made the switch from private to public school and a whole new world was opened up to me. I was also coming from a close knit community of a Jewish day school, so my awareness of other cultures and religions was now expanding for me. Oh and my class was also raised to about 600 people by the time I was in high school. Throughout these years, I made some great friends, but I was also introduced to the “mean girl mentality.” I was also spending my summers at an all-girl sleepaway camp (you east coasters know what I’m talking about!) where I was starting to experience the same issue.
I’ve always been sensitive. I’ve always wanted to be accepted and included like anyone else and I let people push my buttons, easily. I was a people pleaser and let myself be walked all over. Boundaries were just non-existent. I was always afraid that if I spoke up for myself or even just voiced something that I needed or wanted from another, in both friendships and romantically with men, they would get mad at me or simply leave and want nothing to do with me. This was a pattern and a story I would play out and repeat for 20+ years. Who exactly was that serving?! And throughout it all, I have to say I am grateful that I never let life make me “hard.” While I would certainly feel resentful or angry internally about a certain situation or people, I never allowed myself to become closed off as I’ve always believed the sun would shine again and that love and acceptance was right around the corner. Although now I know, it’s always within me waiting for me to reconnect back to it.
Between my junior and senior year of high school is when sh*t hit the fan and things took a turn for the worse. Girls that I thought were my friends were turning on me and publicly humiliating me, 3 of my grandparents passed away fairly close to one another, and my physical health began to decline. I should also note that I was never the most positive person, as hinted at in my opening sentence of this post. The glass was always half empty. Even if there was nothing to complain about, I found something. One day during lunch senior year, a childhood friend had enough of my negativity and called me out. It was embarrassing to say the least and we didn’t speak for months. But looking back in hindsight, it was the kick in the ass I didn’t know I so desperately needed. As that year progressed, things were continuing to decline. I knew nothing of the time of law of attraction, spirituality, and taking responsibility for our own life experience. It was always someone else’s fault or due to an external circumstance. It was almost prom weekend and I finally had enough. I was starting to believe that may I and everyone else would be better off if I just wasn’t around anymore and began contemplating suicide. What was the point? I would play over and over in my head. What value do I bring to anyone? I grew up with an incredible family and a very loving household, but I still felt unloved and unworthy. And I was miserable. I sat with this decision quite seriously, but two things were stopping me from following through. First, I was honestly too scared to do it. And second, there was a part of me truly looking forward to going away to college and having a fresh start. I knew something needed to be done though, so I went on medication. I also began some therapy to no avail. I couldn’t see the effectiveness of just talking through my feelings and having someone present me with questions of how to reevaluate how I was feeling. To be honest it actually angered me and I felt like it was a waste of time.
As my college years progressed, I still struggled in regards to friendships, but I was finding my way. I had some amazing times and experiences! But my health continued to struggle. I was starting to notice in high school that I had to use the restroom more often than normal. It reached its peak my sophomore year of college and I had a procedure that diagnosed me with something called Interstitial Cystitis. Also known as “painful bladder syndrome,” which I actually didn’t have any pain leading later to a misdiagnosis, caused severe urinary frequency and urgency. I had to stop eating some of my favorite foods and become more conscious about sitting in a car for long periods of time. Forget hiking or drinking coffee or alcohol. You can imagine how much fun it was for me turning 21. This was the beginning of all my social and life plans revolving around my proximity to a bathroom. Because of the fact that I was already naturally thin and now had to run off to the bathroom during and after meals, people began assuming, suggesting, and even starting rumors that I had an eating disorder. This was no way to live. One night in college, because I was so used to my symptoms, I had no idea I had a UTI and ended up in the emergency room with a kidney infection. This was one more thing on my already full plate of reasons to be miserable and pretty much hate myself.
I’ll make a long story short and just say that this experience began a loooong journey down a rabbit hole of multiple medications, specialists, diets, and healers which did not do a THING for me. And as time went on, my symptoms got worse and worse. This new way of life had me feeling like a prisoner of my body, subject to its every beck and call. I was still experiencing the same stories of loneliness, abandonment, and ghosting with friends and prospective romantic relationships. I swear I believed I was doomed to be alone forever. I thought I was cursed. What I didn’t know at the time obviously was that this was about to catapult me onto a path that would change my life forever. One that would reintroduce and reconnect me to who I truly was, as well as my path and purpose. Everything happens for a reason. (Ps. I saw that eye roll and exasperated sigh lol!)
A couple years after college was when I began my spiritual journey. My interest and love of the metaphysical seemed the most natural and relevant for me, especially beginning to learn that we can heal ourselves. I never really bought into the “too good to be true” perspective, but also allowed myself a be a bit naive off the bat. I bought all the books and crystals thinking they would do all the “work” for me, and saw every type of healer for every type of reading you can imagine. It was a fun journey, but why wasn’t anything moving or shifting?! My body was fighting me and my life experience was stagnant, but I refused to give up.
I was learning a TON though. I read some amazing books like The Alchemist and Infinite Possibilities which were teaching me exactly how this universe works. And I can honestly say, they have changed my life in how I was approaching my life experience and my interactions with the people in it. There were some healers and readings who did fill in some of the gaps as to why I was experiencing what I was experiencing and cleared a couple layers. But I knew if I wanted to heal, it was time to take things into my own hands and do it myself! I came into this incarnation for that reason and purpose. I also began to learn about star seeds, elementals, and the many origin places our souls come from. Like I mentioned earlier, I always knew I wasn’t from here! And as I journeyed into reiki and my healing practice, that’s when the fun really began! I’m so grateful that one of my best friends here in Los Angeles was also my healer and mentor to walk me through everything, or else I really don’t know if I would’ve made it through. My gifts and abilities were opening up at a pretty progressive rate. What I didn’t know when I was young and extremely sensitive were actually the beginning signs of my life as an empath. But my friend taught me how to harness this gift. She taught me the importance and necessity of clearing and protecting my energy, knowledge we should all be equipped with and what I now teach to others.
I began to learn and see the correlation to everything I went through in my life, socially, personally, with my health and body, etc to one another and how to finally heal. Heal ALL . OF. IT. I was able to see and finally have gratitude for all the pain and discomfort because of how it shaped me into the person I am today and where it brought me to, which is this beautiful place where I am now able to be of service to others. I am able to commend myself for something extremely uncomfortable which was to take responsibility for most of what I experienced because of how I was feeling inside. I learned about thoughts becoming things, and how my negativity was being projected outwards therefore alerting the universe to respond the same in turn. That can be a hard pill to swallow!
What most people don’t understand about having a spiritual practice, is that it’s not all light and love as marketed. While that’s always the goal we’re trying to align with, it’s in facing our shadows and shining a light on the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves and our psyche which is where the true medicine lays and healing begins. And every healer and guru, no matter how advanced they may seem, continues to do that work. It’s why we’re here. This is earth school. Once we’re done learning, it’s off to the next incarnation. We’re not living if we’re not learning. And my loves, it is not easy. Some of the deepest healing is when I’m raw, vulnerable, and bloody, crying until I’ve lost my breath, screaming into a pillow, emptying myself until it feels like there’s nothing left. Because it’s then when a rebirth can transpire. Healing can make you feel like you’re going crazy. I often feel sometimes that in some cases where a person is diagnosed as bipolar, it’s during a time of deep, spiritual transition. We can feel the highest of highs one moment, to all of a sudden our lowest of lows not knowing how or when we’ll rise back up to the surface. I get it because I’ve been through it all and I’ve seen it all. And throughout this process and journey, I’ve learned the true effectiveness of energy healing.
That term gets thrown around quite a bit as woo-woo or a little bit as a blanket explanation. But I’ve come at from multiple perspectives, both spiritually and scientifically. Einstein said match the vibration and frequency of what you want, and you cannot help but receive it. That’s the law of attraction. We are all composed of energy, vibrating at different frequencies and densities. Our human body is a vessel capable of miraculous healing. And living within that vessel is a limitless, eternal energetic being that’s either in sync with vessel or not. What I’ve learned as fact is that all the pain, disease, imbalances, etc we experience in our bodies is also energy. However, stuck and stagnant, meaning it can be transmuted and transformed into ultimate health and wellness. I come from a background of incorporating the balance of western medicine and holistic healing, so while there is a time and place for the western medicine we’re accustomed to, it is extremely important to look at what’s going on emotionally and energetically within the body first. More often than note, once those components are tackled, we negate any need for medication or bandaid solutions. And this 100% includes mental health.
Many mental health disorders correlate to the wiring in the brain. While doctors often say we’re born with these disorders and diseases, they’re only half-right. There are many shades of gray here, so bear with me a moment. On the one hand, our souls often choose many of our physical experiences due to the lessons and blessings that will come from them for both ourselves and those around us. It might be a karmic circumstance where someone from a previous lifetime was our caretaker and this time around we’ve chosen to be theirs. Other times, certain health issues have been carried within us time and time again, stuck energetically in our cells, repeating their signs and symptoms until we clear it. And in those scenarios, the good news is that there is a “cure,” despite common misconceptions that there may not be.
Louise Hay wrote a popular book I’m sure you’re all familiar with called “You Can Heal Your Life.” She breaks down various health issues and symptoms and the emotional correspondence. For bladder issues, it’s anger. And in my healing, I have uncovered and navigated where I was unconsciously and subconsciously feeling that exact emotion, where it originated from, and how to make peace with myself in order to clear it. But there were also other factors I’ve had to work through. Because of how I was feeling internally, like a victim, isolated and alone, and speaking those stories into fruition, my body then began to create another story to support those feelings. It created this situation that continued to push people away and alienate myself, giving myself another reason to put false blame on an external circumstance. And the first step to healing anything is recognition. Recognizing the story we’ve been telling, internally or externally, or both. Once we do that, we can start asking for guidance on telling a new story. While affirmations are absolutely a part of this rewiring of our internal environment, if we don’t do the energetic work and clearing first, the affirmations will have nowhere to land.
The longer we’ve been telling a limiting story or living out the same patterns that don’t serve us, it may take a little longer for the big results to really manifest. The results may seem subtle at first, but they are powerfully effective! Energy moves faster than our physical human form because of our slower density, so it is SO important to be patient with ourselves during this process. There were countless times I wanted to give up and throw in the towel, feeling like I’m doing all this work with nothing to show for it, but it’s in the small movement where we can see the most difference if we simply slow down and take the time to acknowledge it. I always recommend keeping a journal during a healing or any type of spiritual practice so you can go back and see how far you’ve come, especially during those tough moments. Also speaking to a loved one, hearing them share the difference they notice within you can also be insanely inspiring and helpful. It’s also in the times where it feels like nothing is moving or getting done where we have to strengthen our resolve and show ourselves the most love, because self-love is everything here.
It’s the core of my practice and business. If we don’t love ourselves, how are we supposed to receive love from another? Our relationships are a mirror, reflecting back how we TRULY feel about ourselves deep down and what needs the most work or attention. They can also be projectors for how much we’re in alignment with another person. We can reflect back to another where they could use a little more light and love. My anxiety and depression was coming from a place of lack of love, support, and acceptance for myself. And the more I continued to feel that way and care so much about what other people thought of me instead of just doing and being my best, the more I was creating that feeling and experience of isolation and lack for myself. But the more I began to heal my old beliefs around self-love and self-worth and truly feel those things for myself, the more it was reflected back in my life.
Are we starting to see the correlation here? And what most people don’t know as well is that when someone is going through this darkness and this pain, it’s not that easy to just reach out about how they’re feeling. I know for me, I always felt like a burden to others so it was “easier” to pretend or act like I was ok. What we really need is someone to ask if we’re ok if they’re noticing something off. Nudge them if you need to, because not everyone can pull themselves out. It’s the littlest things that can make all the difference sometimes. And the more we open up and share our stories, the more we see we’re really not alone. Many of us have similar stories that we could never even have guessed. By reaching out more and beginning more of a dialogue, who knows how many lives we can save.
Our minds can trick us easily if we let it. It is essential we begin a practice of non-judgmentally observing our thoughts, although we have thousands a day! Just do your best and notice that when you start thinking a limiting thought, take a beat and ask yourself if this ultimately true? If the answer is no, you can start to retrain your brain to one of positive affirmation. And sometimes it’ll feel like you’re lying to yourself, but keeping shifting to something positive, or even just something you’re grateful for for as long as it takes to settle in. As much as many people like to blame their external environment for how they’re feeling or what they’re experiencing, the truth is we are the only ones in control of how we’re feeling in every moment. And it’s up to us to take that responsibility into our own hands to rediscover and design the lives we ultimately want to live here. I mean, how empowering is that to be able to take your power back and DECIDE how you want to feel? And start feeling it! It takes practice so obviously don’t beat yourself up if you’re not winning the lottery or feeling on top of the world immediately, but baby steps. Each step is just as important as the next and you need to celebrate yourself every step of the way. Once you make the decision about how you want to feel and healing something in your life, whether that’s physically or emotionally, the other thing that could possibly get in your way is you. It’s time to give ourselves more credit, and more importantly, more LOVE.
You are not alone. You’ve never been alone, and you’ll never be alone. Take it from someone who felt that there was a point when she had no one who could possible understand her pain and desperation, we have a whole unseen team in the angelic realm who can guide you and are only waiting on you to ask for their assistance. No task or questions is too big or too small for them. (NOTE: Communication in this manner is non-denominational but always proceed at your own comfort level) You will receive divine inspiration on what to do, where to go, who to talk to, resources popping up out of nowhere as if they were sent by a miracle. You only need to be open to receiving.
You are divine. You are magic. You’re here for a reason and you have a purpose. We need you. I love you and I’m here for you.